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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26130076">A Roadmap to You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SirenOfTitan/pseuds/SirenOfTitan'>SirenOfTitan</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(not involving Garashir dw), Cardassians, Extramarital Affair, F/F, Flashbacks, Lesbian Ezri Dax, M/M, Married Julian Bashir/Elim Garak, Post-Canon Cardassia, Previous Dax Hosts, Secret Relationship, Trill Culture (Star Trek), Trills, Vulcan, past Julian Bashir/Ezri Dax - Freeform, please don't judge my attempts at poetry too harshly plz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:21:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,997</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26130076</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SirenOfTitan/pseuds/SirenOfTitan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What if there was more to Tobin Dax than the sexually-repressed career man we know him as in canon? What if that was only a mask for a much more intriguing story: a secret love affair with one of the Alpha Quadrant's most famous writers?</p><p>While listening to his husband Garak read to him, Julian unearths a juicy secret about his old friend Jadzia's favorite Cardassian poet. He'll just have to call up his ex-girlfriend to verify all the details. No trouble, right?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ezri Dax/Original Female Character(s), Julian Bashir &amp; Ezri Dax, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak, Tobin Dax/Iloja of Prim</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Sid City Social Club Fanfiction Collection, You fly I'll shoot</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlonthelasttrain/gifts">girlonthelasttrain</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/StephaniD/gifts">StephaniD</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thanks so much to the Kiradax Discord server and to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Syaunei/pseuds/Syaunei">Syaunei</a> for helping me flesh out this plot bunny into an actual fic!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>Tobin had known that Skon had done well for himself on Vulcan. But he hadn't known </em>how <em>well. He almost felt like he was meeting his old friend for the first time, from the moment they opened the gates of their large estate to him. But the main hall, filled with elegant purple draperies and a gallery of classic art from across the Federation worlds…this was a whole new dimension of what Tobin had come to expect from his severe, focused friend. Was it his new wife's influence? Or just that there was more lying behind Vulcans' cold façade than Tobin (or even Lela) had thought? </em></p><p><em>But the decorations were just the beginning. There was also the company, the fact that Skon and T'Rama had invited some of the greatest artistic and political minds of the quadrant for tonight's salon. Lela always told Tobin that he underestimated himself and his accomplishments, but he couldn't help but think he was only here because he was Skon's best friend. Who would want to talk with a lonely, over-serious, unimaginative engineer with all these colorful personalities to choose from? Even his magic tricks probably couldn't impress </em>this <em>crowd.</em></p><p><em>Then again, Tobin Dax </em>did <em>have some choice words for </em>one<em> of the luminaries in attendance…</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Julian Bashir lay enveloped in his husband's scaly arms, blissfully content. It had been nearly two years since he had decided to follow a whim (or rather, a letter) to Cardassia in the aftermath of the Dominion War, and his life had changed immeasurably—but wholly for the better. Blisteringly hot summers and the hard work of rebuilding a society broken by war and conquest was nothing next to the serenity of being loved—and loving in return—in a way he had never thought possible. And when they were done with their nightly passions, he and Garak would wind down the hours reading love poetry to each other from all corners of the galaxy.</p><p>Tonight, it was the serialist masters of Cardassia's First Republic, a personal favorite of Garak's. Garak insisted that there were secret poems left out of the official books, but that had been in circulation among "those in the know" in Cardassian society for years. Julian often figured that Garak's forbidden knowledge came from his Obsidian Order connections, but this felt different. It felt like it came from a society much older and more clandestine, trading these tales of their planet's greatest figures' forbidden love affairs for their own catharsis. For one, Julian had not known until this time that the great Iloja of Prim had shared a love for other men, but that was clear from the new fragments Garak had given him. Some of it was almost so obvious it made Julian cringe a bit—<em>I take in my rough hands / the hard lines of your smooth masculinity </em>– but he figured those were just quirks of translation.</p><p>Julian wondered if Jadzia had known much of Iloja's personal life, how she'd feel knowing that she, too, had an additional thing in common with her favorite Cardassian poet.</p><p>Iloja had spent much of his life in exile from Cardassia, and had a knack for seeking out partners of diverse species. It was hard for Julian not to let his heart warm as he was spun tales of discovering new alien lovers through an unexpectedly heated debate, or a chance first meeting where he overwhelmed them with his flamboyant presence. The parallels to Julian and Garak's own early meetings were too obvious, which he suspected was why Garak kept choosing Iloja's work. (Julian wondered again how it took him so long to figure out what was happening right in front of him all those years on Deep Space Nine.) Tonight's poem was more of the same, but as Garak told him, part of a much longer, more significant love affair from his time on Vulcan—where he had spent the bulk of his exile.</p><p>"Most of Iloja's love poetry is believed to have been written for this man," Garak said before he began. "Even the ones in official collections—he just kept those more subtle, or censored them before publication. But these," Garak lifted the rod before plugging it into his PADD, "leave no stone unturned, as your people say."</p><p>Julian blushed as his own Cardassian lover began to read:</p><p>
  <em>I trace your body, slowly, </em>
</p><p><em>listening</em> <em>as your sudden rush of breath </em></p><p><em>leaves</em> <em>you, and fills </em></p><p><em>me up</em> <em>in turn</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I trace a roadmap </em>
</p><p>
  <em>to you, trailing</em>
</p><p>
  <em>down from your skull to</em>
</p><p>
  <em>your toes, point by point</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Each spot its own destination</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Where I could stay</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Or I could just rest</em>
</p><p>
  <em>For a short while</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And keep going on my way</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To the next location</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To the next burst of </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Excited laughter</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Groundbreaking discoveries</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I bring forth from you</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Julian was no poet, but the image in his mind was all too familiar.</p><p>"Iloja's great lover was a Trill?"</p><p>"I believe so," Garak said. "It's all very hush-hush, you know, because neither of them wanted it to be too public knowledge... but that is the picture his poems paint."</p><p>"But I thought you said he was on Vulcan."</p><p>"I believe the Trill man was a personal friend of the Vulcan dignitary that Iloja was staying with. I don't know much more than that, my dear. But apparently he and this Trill man met at a party and really got on, and the rest, of course, is history."</p><p>Absorbing his husband's words, Julian felt his mind whirring. <em>A Trill…staying on Vulcan at the same time as Iloja of Prim</em>… Hadn't Jadzia said something a bit like that?</p><p>His jaw went slack as realization dawned on him. "Oh my god."</p><p>"Something wrong, beloved?"</p><p>"It's just, I think I know who he was! Who Iloja's lover was!"</p><p>"Do you? Are you sure? It's been one of the great mysteries of Cardassian literature for over a century, even among those of us with access to Iloja's more private musings."</p><p>"Yes, yes, I think so! I just…I need to call Ezri!"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Iloja of Prim was even larger than life than Tobin had imagined. Tall, wearing a low scooping robe that showed off his ridged neck and shoulders…Tobin had never met a Cardassian but he knew enough to know that was not typical attire… in all the colors of the rainbow, with his forehead spoon dyed a deep indigo. He was waving his hands and regaling a rapt crowd in what sounded like a fascinating story.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In other times, Tobin would have been far too intimidated to even approach him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But when Tobin had a point to make, nothing could stop him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Iloja of Prim!" he called out, stunning the crowd. "I've read your poem 'The Ship That Flies Faster in Night,' and I must tell you, your understanding of thermodynamics is all wrong! And the way the warp core works doesn't make any sense for ships of that class! I should know, because I helped design them. I know it's a metaphor, but you must know that people can be sincerely misled by things like this!"</em>
</p><p><em>While the people crowded around him looked appalled, a surprised smile slowly crept across the Cardassian man's face. And no faster had Tobin seen it than he felt the pressure of a familiar hand clapping his shoulder. Skon.</em> </p><p>
  <em>"I was going to introduce you two," the Vulcan began, addressing Iloja, "but I suppose you have already met my dear old friend, Tobin Dax."</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which the fic earns its "comedy" tag and its M-rating.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>When Tobin awoke the next morning, he felt a rush of shame flood over him. What had he been thinking? Skon went to all the trouble to bring him here, so he could insult one of his guests like that? And a galaxy-famous writer, no less? Tobin could have said so many things about Iloja's breathtaking verses, but </em>that <em>was what he had to lead with. </em></p><p><em>Not the way that he'd stayed up nights drowning in those beautiful words. Not the way that with Tobin's family far away on Trill as he traversed the quadrant, Iloja's poems helped him feel less alone. Or how they'd comforted him in the confusion after his joining. No…he had to get stuck on how the </em>technical errors <em>in a few poems made them harder to enjoy. Like Iloja wasn't a brilliant man who'd probably done that on purpose.</em></p><p><em>He didn't even have the excuse of drinking to cover his behavior. Tobin had never been drunk—never would be, if he could help it, if this is what he acted like </em>sober.</p><p>
  <em>He slunk down to breakfast, taking his own table so he could sulk all on his own. Skon and T'Rama had replicated a lavish spread, but he was too jittery to do more than poke at it. Tobin was so caught up in his own head that he barely noticed when he was no longer alone.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Ah, the man of the hour. I've been looking all over for you." Tobin looked up in shock to see the Cardassian looming above him. "May I join you?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He nodded, dumbstruck, as Iloja slid into the chair across from him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You were truly delightful last night. Ever since that moment, I've been dying to get to know you better."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That got Tobin's attention. "Really? I wasn't awful?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Of course not," Iloja said. "Do you know how long I've been waiting for a proper spirited argument, surrounded by all these stodgy Vulcans? I haven't had one since I left home. On Cardassia, we say that if conversation is sustenance, debate is what gives it spice."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"So…you liked that I disagreed with you." Tobin was slowly digesting this new information, turning his impression of their first meeting on its axis.</em>
</p><p><em>"Absolutely. In fact, I'd love it if you did more. What other suggestions do you have for improving my work? What other things have I heinously misrepresented?" Iloja smiled. "I suspect you could have a </em>lot<em> of pointers for me."</em></p><p>
  <em>Tobin found himself starting to smile, and he grabbed his PADD from his bag to flip through his copy of Iloja's first collection.</em>
</p><p><em>"Well, for starters, I assume you </em>know <em>by now that Vulcan doesn't have a proper ocean…" </em></p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The full moon was radiant over San Francisco, bathing the city's hills, alleys, bays and bridges in its soft glow. And tucked within them, Ezri Dax was drowning in pleasure.</p><p>Breaking up with Julian had devastated Ezri, but with two years' hindsight, it was much clearer that it had been a blessing in disguise. It was the push she'd needed to finally leave Deep Space Nine, returning to Starfleet Academy to study the Command track—the only option that made sense after her joining had altered the course of her life. Away from all of those familiar faces, from Jadzia's friends and connections and life, it had been easier to figure out what Ezri actually wanted. And just a few months previously, into that new life had stepped Lweasi Zail, a Betazoid engineering student with a shock of purple hair and eyes as deep and dark as space itself.</p><p>That purple hair could currently be seen moving up Ezri's legs. Lweasi kissed along her girlfriend's spots, charting a course for her most sensitive, secret places. Even before she made it there, the anticipation alone was enough to excite Ezri. Even though this was hardly the first time they'd done this.</p><p>Lweasi was just that beautiful, and that <em>good</em>.</p><p>The Betazoid licked up the curve of her legs, toward her lips. Ezri moaned. She ran her tongue along the pink flesh, moving toward her prize as the Trill trembled beneath her. She was almost there when the computer on the wall rang out—</p><p>
  <em>Incoming transmission from Cardassia Prime. </em>
</p><p>"Cardassia?" Lweasi said as she emerged. She was about to ask who Ezri knew there (joined Trills were difficult to read even for accomplished telepaths—too much noise-to-signal ratio—and Lweasi rather liked that about Ezri, found her mysterious mind calming) when Ezri got up off the bed abruptly and grabbed her discarded uniform.</p><p>"Please hold for five minutes. Also, what the FUCK, Julian?"</p><p>After they'd made themselves respectable, Ezri finally accepted the call, where a sheepish-looking, pajama-clad Julian Bashir emerged. "I hope I wasn't interrupting anything too important."</p><p>"Oh, not <em>too </em>important. I'm in my bedroom, with someone else, and needed five minutes to get ready to see you. So I'm sure you can imagine."</p><p>He blushed. "I'm sorry Ezri. But I found out something and I had to know!" He looked around and noticed Lweasi hovering next to her girlfriend. "Oh, hello!"</p><p>"Hello! You're the ex-boyfriend."</p><p>"Uh, yes. For two months, two years ago," Julian responded nervously.</p><p>"Oh, don't worry, I know. And I also know that you just came from having sex with your own husband, before interrupting us."</p><p>Ezri giggled, and Julian turned even redder. "I think I miss when you were dating that Bolian girl. What happened to her, anyway?"</p><p>"It didn't really work out," Ezri said. "I mean, corrosive saliva makes kissing difficult, and…it makes lots of things difficult." And now Ezri was starting to feel embarrassed. She and Julian might have been sexual partners once, but this isn't usually what they talked about when they bothered to keep in touch. It was usually her updating him on her classes, career path and new friends, him giving her advice and gushing about Garak.</p><p>"Yes, I figured. I had a woman come in once on DS9 whose husband was Bolian, with all sorts of strange—"</p><p>"I don't want to hear it!" Ezri said, covering her ears, as Lweasi doubled over next to her. "What did you want to ask me about that is so important anyway?"</p><p>"He and his man like to <em>read poetry</em> after they're finished," Lweasi informed her, wiggling her eyebrows, "and he came upon something… <em>interesting</em> about one of your previous hosts."</p><p>Julian rolled his eyes. He'd always felt a bit uneasy around telepathic species. This girl seemed benign—she had to be, if Ezri was dating her—but he was still on edge. "Yes, we were reading the works of Iloja of Prim, and he mentioned something about a Trill lover, and I remembered something Jadzia said once about—"</p><p>"Oh my goodness, <em>no</em>, Julian. I am <em>not </em>telling you this."</p><p>"So it <em>was </em>Tobin!" Julian grinned, and looked behind him. "Garak, come here—"</p><p>"No!" Ezri scrunched up her face in upset, and Lweasi put her arms around her. "I can't just reveal the deep personal secrets of my past hosts to you like that. Maybe Jadzia could, but I'm not her!" <em>When was Julian—and everyone else who knew her on Deep Space Nine—going to understand this</em>, Ezri thought.</p><p>That's why she'd had to leave. Why she'd had to leave <em>him</em>—why it wasn't working out even <em>before </em>she could sort herself out enough from the previous hosts to realize that she wasn't even interested. Why she'd had to get away from the space station in order to find her own way.</p><p>But Julian, of course, took exactly the wrong information from the conversation. "Deep personal secret?" he asked. The sheepish look was back, but Ezri recognized something else there—curiosity.</p><p>That special look Julian Bashir had when he'd caught on to a fascinating new discovery, and just <em>had</em> to follow it as far as it would go.</p><p>Just then, a pair of scaly hands appeared on his shoulders, and with them, another familiar face. "<em>I</em> understand," Garak slurred in that snakelike voice of his. "We all have information that we need to keep to ourselves. I'm sorry if my <em>dear</em> Julian was prying into something Tobin Dax found…<em>sensitive</em>, too close to his heart to bring out into the world."</p><p>"Thanks, Garak?" Ezri had a feeling this was all a set-up for something. Garak may no longer be a spy, and now be married to one of her friends, but she still didn't quite trust him. (She knew from Jadzia that the two had a long history, but Ezri <em>still </em>didn't understand what Julian saw in him.)</p><p>"Oh, come on." Lweasi sighed. "You're dying to know. Even more than <em>he </em>is."</p><p>Garak looked taken aback at first—not having noticed the other woman's presence before—but then grinned and laughed. "A Betazoid. How nice, I appreciate a challenge." Steeling himself, he continued, "Yes, the identity of Iloja of Prim's closest and most significant lover, the subject of the plurality of his erotic poetry, has long been one of the great mysteries of Cardassian cultural history. Of course I would love to know anything you can provide, Lieutenant Dax. You are a primary source, to a question of utmost historical importance!"</p><p>Now Ezri was truly irritated. "Well, I'm no expert, I think that calling a <em>primary source</em> in the middle of the night with no advance notice is considered kind of rude even among Cardassian scholars. I suggest another method next time." She ended the call, and collapsed on to the bed, sighing into her hands.</p><p>Lweasi embraced her, running her hand along her shoulders. "Good on you, babe, for standing up for yourself. You don't owe those guys shit."</p><p>Ezri hugged her back, smiling. "Believe me, I have <em>experience</em> standing up to Dr. Julian Bashir." And yet, deep down, she felt a lump in her stomach. She had a feeling that Julian's curiosity would only increase, and she'd eventually give in and spill everything.</p><p>Maybe it was the playfulness of Jadzia, Curzon and Emony winning her over, but Ezri felt she had a plan developing…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>Their arguments became a regular occurrence. Iloja wanted to know every single thing that Tobin took issue with in his work. Of course, his defenses were just as spirited—explaining why this or that deviation from the fact was </em>essential <em>as a metaphor, or to convey the message of the poem. Tobin always had a retort, of course, for how it could be explained another way.</em></p><p>
  <em>They debated at regular breakfasts, which quickly turned into lunches and dinners. They did it in the hallways, on the streets, at the debating houses where they accompanied their hosts. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tobin began to notice that while Iloja enjoyed watching the Vulcan masters' discussions unfold, he rarely took part. He always wondered why, when Iloja was so skilled at constructing an argument, and at taking apart someone else's. He'd have been a natural for the competitive stage. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But Iloja only seemed to be interested in debating with Tobin.</em>
</p><p><em>He noticed how the Cardassian always seemed to know what to say, how to look and how to dress. Tobin learned things about the faraway world from Iloja, who was always eager to spin exciting tales of his childhood and of the culture and landscape of his homeland. He learned the forehead spoon was called a </em>chufa<em>, and watched as Iloja painted it in every color of the rainbow—but always perfectly matching his shining robes. He learned that it was mostly female Cardassians who painted their faces, and wondered why Iloja was an exception, what that meant.</em></p><p>
  <em>Tobin found that more and more, Iloja rarely left his thoughts. At first, he figured it was just because the man was always there, and he was larger than life. He could enthrall any crowd with his thrilling anecdotes, and seemed to relish doing so—even if he always saved the best for Tobin.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But then Tobin found his thoughts drifting to Iloja even when he wasn't there. Even when he was wrapped up in his warp coil research, the thing Tobin loved most in the world. Every time he discovered something new, he thought of how he couldn't wait to tell Iloja. That was often his first thought, in fact. The thrill of new knowledge, and then immediately, the urge to share it—but only with one gregarious, enchanting man.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What could that mean?</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tobin seeks his closest confidante for some much needed advice, and over a century later, two couples try to move forward from their awkward confrontation.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Tobin sighed as he waited for the face to materialize. It would be just like him to have messed up the ritual. He used too much mud, or mumbled the words….or something. But appear she did: Lela Dax, the only other person so far to share this experience with him. The other life he remembered, but had never lived.</em>
</p><p><em>He hoped she wouldn't be upset that he called her here for such a small, </em>personal<em> problem.</em></p><p>
  <em>"Tobin," she said quietly, kindly, as a smile took over her face. "It's been a while."</em>
</p><p><em>Tobin should've known—did know—from years of having Lela in his own head, that she was more soothing and less stern than all the Trill government portraits of her. She had fought for the rights of the downtrodden, had had her </em>own <em>significant loves of various genders. But still, it was easy for Tobin to get intimidated. His mind would grasp on to any evidence that things were worse than they actually were.</em></p><p><em>But actually hearing her relaxed him considerably. He could feel his nervousness loosening its grip. "Hello, Lela" he said back. "I am glad that the Rite of Emergence worked."</em> </p><p>
  <em>She chuckled. "It's simpler than you seemed to think." She gazed around at Tobin's personal quarters in Skon's home: the furniture that weird mix of cozy and spartan at which Vulcans excelled. "I am glad you chose to do this somewhere private. As you know, no one else can see me but they might guess, and we must protect Trill's most guarded secrets."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Of course." Tobin understood—that was precisely why he was struggling so much with his current predicament. "I hope you're not disappointed in why I asked you here."</em>
</p><p><em>"I think I already know why you asked me here," Lela said. "I may not be able to directly comment as easily as now, but I do see and know your thoughts. This is about the poet?"</em> </p><p>
  <em>"Yes," Tobin said. "I can't stop thinking about him. I'm not sure, because I've never experienced it before…" He hesitated. He assumed that Lela knew, too, that his marriage was not a love match, would not be upset by what he was about to confess. "But I think I might be falling in love with Iloja."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I have suspected the same," Lela said. And then, of all things, she grinned. "First love is always such a delightful experience. Painful, too, but I hope for the best for you."</em>
</p><p><em>"You're not upset…that I am in love with an outsider?" Trill society was suspicious of partnerships with non-Trills. That was why, as a scientist and engineer who planned to study off-world, his family had arranged Tobin's marriage in the first place. Wedding a pretty, well-placed Trill girl and fathering a child with her was the least he could do in order to be accepted by the Symbiosis Commission. To ensure that he wouldn't indulge in the </em>wrong <em>kind of off-world experiences once he'd left his home planet.</em></p><p>
  <em>And yet, here he was.</em>
</p><p><em>Still, Lela kept her smile on her face. "As you know, I was not a typical Trill government official. I advocated making first contact with other species. I believed the unjoined should have more rights than they did—than they still </em>currently <em>do." She sighed. "I am not sure I would make the same decision I believe you are about to make. But as long as you are discreet about our planet's mysteries, I see no reason you should not experience love, just because you are not inclined toward your own kind."</em></p><p>
  <em>Tobin's smile was sheepish. "I am glad you approve." Well, that got one problem out of the way, at least.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Besides, I am certain this man is very taken with you." </em>
</p><p><em>That took Tobin aback. "He is? But all he does is argue with me?"</em> </p><p>
  <em>Lela laughed. "I can't say I know much about Cardassian mating, but I know that love and courtship vary among different planets. Perhaps you can research further and find out for both of us. But regardless—" she looked at him knowingly, "He can never take his eyes off you when you are in the same room."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I know you struggle with these kinds of cues, Tobin, but you don't have to do this alone. You have me to help you now, even when I'm not in front of you like this. From what I can see through your eyes, your chance is good. And I believe you should take it. At the very least, when is our symbiont next going to have the chance to romance a Cardassian?"</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"I think I'm going to tell him," Ezri confessed to Lweasi one night after they'd arrived home to Ezri's quarters. It had been about a week since her ill-fated conference call to Cardassia Prime, and she'd been mulling it over in her mind ever since—and to her puzzled girlfriend.</p><p>Lweasi sighed. "As long as you know that he doesn't deserve it."</p><p>"He doesn't!" Ezri said defiantly. "But the more I think about it, the more I think it's what Tobin would have wanted. Now that there's no taboo about being with outsiders anymore, I think he'd want the world to know about their relationship.</p><p>"It's also… you know…" she continued, pacing nervously. Ezri had been thinking about this so much that when Commander Hashimoto had called on her in their Ship Group Dynamics class, she'd almost started talking about it instead of their assigned reading. "Garak's not wrong about it being an important cultural touchstone and all that. I think the people of Cardassia deserve to know that one of their greatest poets loved other men. Think about what a great boon that would be to queer Cardassians, just coming out from under the shadow of an oppressive regime!"</p><p>Lweasi grinned while rolling her eyes. Even if she couldn't fully read her mind, she'd been keeping a close eye on her girlfriend and her moods over the past few days. "That's great and all, but I don't think that's really <em>why </em>you want to say something."</p><p>"No, it's mostly about Tobin. Also, maybe there is a <em>small </em>part of me that kind of misses gossiping with Julian," Ezri confessed. She looked down, more guarded than before. "He and Jadzia used to do it all the time. They were great friends. I feel like with how we pushed into a relationship, we kind of lost the chance to rebuild that friendship!"</p><p>Lweasi gave Ezri a supportive smile, but the Betazoid still felt skeptical. It was true, from what she had read of Julian Bashir's mind, he was motivated by gossipy curiosity and little else—no malice. But he had still been rude and annoying to Ezri. His husband even more so. She struggled to understand why chatting with him in particular was so valuable, but she also understood that Ezri and Julian had a history there that even her telepathic mind couldn't fully comprehend—from Ezri's end, anyway. From Julian's, it was a lot clearer, and so Lweasi wasn't jealous; she knew it had nothing to do with their old romantic bond. They had both fully moved on.</p><p>If anything, that lack of feeling made this even more confusing to Lweasi. But this was Ezri's decision, so she shrugged and nodded. "Just as long as you're not going to make it too easy for him."</p><p>Ezri wrinkled her nose in that <em>oh-so-adorable </em>way (that made Lweasi <em>so </em>weak in the knees) and giggled. "Oh no, don't worry! I'm going to <em>really</em> make him regret asking! There are so many dirty details he <em>really</em> doesn't want to know…"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Knowing that Tobin's feelings were likely returned didn't make expressing them any easier.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was another moment where he was glad that he was joined, because he'd never think of how to approach Iloja on his own. Luckily, he knew how Lela had made her own romantic conquests. Of course, her situation had been different than his. She'd dated other Trill; she could do it openly. Tobin would have to keep this…thing, with Iloja, relatively quiet. But one thing Lela had always been was direct, and Tobin had a feeling that was what would work for him, too.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Just go right up, and tell Iloja how he felt. Somewhere private, where they wouldn't be overheard.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Would it be too forward to just invite Iloja to his quarters after dinner that night? Would anyone else see them and put two and two together?</em>
</p><p><em>Tobin would have to be a bit more stealthy about it. He'd have to employ some sleight of hand…so much easier with his magic tricks than with </em>people.</p><p><em>Still, as Iloja slid in next to him at the table that night, Tobin took a big gulp and readied himself for whatever this was.</em> </p><p><em>"You look stunning tonight, my dear boy. Almost good enough to eat." The Cardassian was so smooth.</em> </p><p>
  <em>Tobin blushed. "Thank you. Y-you, too."</em>
</p><p><em>This wasn't going to be easy.</em> </p><p>
  <em>Iloja's grin was catlike. "I keep thinking about this discussion we had earlier today about the differences between Cardassian and Trill domestic politics. I would love to continue it, but it got so heated that this almost seems too.." Iloja looked around them at the other dignitaries assembled, most of them Vulcans engaged in calm and dispassionate conversations. "…public." He dropped his voice to a whisper. "Would you like to come by my quarters after this meal?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tobin gulped. Was it really going to be easy after all?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>While Iloja purred this, his hand that had already been on top of Tobin's began moving, as though massaging his knuckles. Tobin could feel the rough scales against his smooth skin and he wanted more.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He summoned up all his courage, and smiled. His was much shakier than his companion's. "Why not now?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Stunned by what had come out of his mouth, he tried to backtrack. "I-I mean, I'm not that hungry. But maybe you are…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No, that sounds delightful. Maybe we could go to yours instead?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yes!" Tobin nodded, a little too eagerly, as he got up from the table, their food forgotten as he almost jogged away from the dining room, Iloja hot on his heels.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He hoped the Vulcans didn't notice his enthusiasm.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Do you think Iloja knew that Tobin was joined?"</p><p>The question hung in the air between Julian and Garak as they readied themselves for their days. Julian had a shift at the hospital where he'd been helping war victims, many of them still struggling with the aftereffects of the Dominion bombing even years later. It reminded him of what he'd read in textbooks about atomic bombs in Earth's past—nothing that any species should be experiencing now. He had come to Cardassia for Garak, but found on the planet a new purpose: a way to put his Starfleet medical training to use for people who needed it far more than anyone aboard a Federation-Bajoran space station.</p><p>Meanwhile, Garak put on his tunic. He ran his tailoring services out of their home, so he didn't need as much preparation and thus, tended to take his time during their mornings. He was much more casual, less rushed than his husband. Which gave him more room to needle Julian.</p><p>"I am sure our dear Ezri could answer that question for you."</p><p>Julian sighed. The way that he and Garak talked to Ezri the other night still ate away at him, nearly a week later. "You know we can't do that. We fucked up, big time. I can't face her for a long while after this." His face colored as he remembered even more details of the night. "Especially when we essentially walked in on her and her girlfriend <em>in flagrante. </em>What was I <em>thinking</em>, calling her when it was that late on her part of Earth?"</p><p>"I don't know, my dear, what <em>were </em>you thinking?"</p><p>"I'm such an idiot!" Julian had been about to put on his shirt for the day, but instead he balled it up in his hands and sat back on the bed. "I can't believe I said such stupid things to her. And I can't believe I let <em>you </em>say what you did! I should have told you that it was a private call. I'm so—"</p><p>"Darling, my actions are in no way your responsibility. I did act regrettably, and I will apologize to Ezri as soon as I can, but I fail to see how this is <em>your </em>fault."</p><p>"You're <em>my</em> husband. We're supposed to look out for one another. I should have warned you when I realized the Betazoid girl was there, or what I'd intruded on." He breathed into his shirt. "I shouldn't have called in the first place."</p><p>"It's not wrong for you to be curious, nor is it for you not to know the time in a specific city on a far-off planet off the top of your head. Even <em>your </em>head." Even with Julian's augmentations, he couldn't do everything.</p><p>"I could have checked, is all." He finally released his shirt and began putting it on again. "I just don't think I'll be able to talk to her for a good long while. Not after what a cock-up I made of things. I'm just—"</p><p>Their computer suddenly started beeping. <em>Incoming transmission from San Francisco, Earth.</em></p><p>Garak smiled at his husband. "Maybe you didn't 'cock up' quite as much as you thought, dear."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>Though they'd run—not walked—toward Tobin's room, when they arrived, there wasn't the mad rush toward each other that Tobin had expected. They didn't immediately devour each other like he'd read in so many books.</em> </p><p><em>Instead, they merely stared at each other, the tension hanging in the air between them. </em> </p><p>
  <em>Tobin realized that Iloja was waiting for him. Waiting for an indication of what he wanted from this. And Tobin was…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He was terrified.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He'd never had sex before outside of his marriage, where it had been little more than fulfilling a duty. Tab A into Slot B, just organs rubbing against each other and occasionally producing pleasurable sensations. Not what he wanted with Iloja of Prim.</em>
</p><p><em>Tobin knew that he could easily retreat into his mind, and find some way to pretend he really </em>had <em>come to discuss politics. That's what he would have done as a teenager, nervously chatting with attractive classmates and going over and over all the ways things could go wrong, all the things they could find wanting about him. It's what he would have done before he was joined.</em></p><p><em>But now, he had someone else's memories in there with him. And as he drew on Lela's wealth of experience, he decided to use her first move with Bissi Lallix, the lonely wife of an ambassador from Trill's southern continent. </em> </p><p>
  <em>Tobin slowly walked closer to Iloja, and raised his hand to rest right below the chin—in Iloja's case, against the edge of his hard ridges.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Iloja gasped when he did this. "Wow, you…You're quite forward tonight."</em>
</p><p><em>Tobin drew his hand back like it was burned. </em>Shit<em>, he thought.</em> I should have expected the ridges were some kind of erogenous zone. <em>"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"</em></p><p><em>"No, </em>I'm <em>sorry," Iloja grabbed Tobin's hand back before he could lay it back at his side. He splayed Tobin's fingers wide, and pressed a kiss to his palm. "I'm sorry for giving you the wrong impression."</em></p><p>
  <em>Tobin let out a deep breath as Iloja flipped his hand to kiss his knuckles, the same he had so delicately caressed at dinner.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What do you want, Tobin Dax?" Iloja looked into his eyes, and Tobin felt like those blue eyes were boring into his soul. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I want…" Tobin steeled himself. "You. I want you."</em>
</p><p><em>Iloja smiled and blushed—at least, that was what Tobin thought it meant that his </em>chufa <em>was turning an even deeper blue. "That's what I had hoped," Iloja said as he cupped Tobin's cheek and pulled him in for a kiss.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hot lizard-on-worm action is coming soon.... &lt;3</p><p>Also, for clarification, it's my idea for this fic (not "canon") that in the era before Trills revealed symbiont joining to the rest of the galaxy, romantic relationships with non-Trills were discouraged. Obviously, this would have changed by the time of DS9, and I think is something that would naturally develop as Trill opens up further and further to the world. But here we're still just a few decades off from when Lela had to convince the secretive Trill government just to establish first contact (covered in her story in "The Lives of Dax"). So I thought that made sense, and also added the needed secrecy to Iloja and Tobin's relationship.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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